Weirdness

I have a theory about weirdness. This is just my musing, so it is probably bogus, but I think it is true of me. I put it forth as a general theory of weirdness. But if nothing else, you are about to learn more about me. Sorry.

OK, here it is. Weirdness blooms from a root of insecurity. I base this on the simple fact that I am insecure. And Weird.

Insecurity. It’s social. It’s a shyness, a fear, a lack of confidence, a touch of shame, a cocooning, an overacting, a trying too hard. It’s flying under the radar, afraid of failure, just as afraid of success, falsely thinking that the comfort zone is a place of comfort. It’s hiding, hiding, hiding, ducking and wincing at nothing but thoughts. It’s cringing at the thought that everyone thinks you are as worthless as you think they think you are. It’s seeing social events as pecking-order competitions, threats to self-worth, requiring either fighting or fleeing. It’s seeing any random group as a reincarnation of that bunch of brats who were cruel to you when you were a kid. Everything is a battle that you are sure you will lose, so you either fight like a maniac, or run away like one.

(I don’t accept insecurity as an intended aspect of the Christian life. God has better for us, and I’m going after it all the time. I pray, strive, abide, trust and obey my way each day, to realize my birthright Shalom. But for you my blog friend, I’m letting you in on my real reality).

I’ve just got this continual, vague awareness that my weirdness—being too quiet or too talkative, trying too hard to entertain or to please, smiling a lot, gesturing too much, joking too much—is often my best in-the-moment attempt to deal with/wrestle with/conquer…or alternatively hide from/fly under the radar of/pretend there is a comfort zone in which I’m safe from…insecurity.

Extrapolating, I wonder if it’s true of the weirdnesses I notice in the world. When someone has annoying habits in their social interactions, I suspect I’m seeing a symptom of underlying insecurity. When someone is rude, I suspect insecurity. When someone over-reacts, I suspect insecurity. When someone is remarkably quiet or remarkably loud, I suspect insecurity. When someone wields authority like a drunk carrying an eight foot two-by-four, I suspect insecurity. When someone uses threats instead of humble honesty to try to convince, I suspect insecurity. When someone can’t make eye contact—or can’t break eye contact—I suspect insecurity. When someone just has to win every debate—or won’t even engage in debate, I suspect insecurity. I assume every jerk is radically insecure.

I work on my insecurity junk every day with the resources of faith. By faith I access the security that “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” and knowing that I’m invited (commanded) to abide in Christ. As I pray daily for God’s grace and peace, I’m picturing myself reaching up to Heaven to access the resources of the Kingdom of God, and bring them right down here to be used in this present evil age of “world-flesh-devil” lies and wounds.

And I really look forward to the fullness of God’s kingdom in the age to come, when there will be no more insecurity. Then, any and all weirdness will only be the beautiful bubbling over of grace.