Jim's Primeval Journey: Murder

I hated Rhonda. She is the only person I’ve ever hated, but my hatred for her was simple, uncomplicated, and intense. Pure. For every day of grade seven, Rhonda was an intruder in my life, and despite occasional attempts to pray for her, the bubble always returned dead center to hatred.

Cain hated his brother Abel, and acted on it. God had regard for Abel’s offering, but did not have regard for Cain’s. We are told that Cain was very angry and “his face fell.” The narrator did not see fit to explain the problem with Cain’s offering, so I guess that’s not the point. Here’s the point: when Cain and Abel were compared, Cain came out the loser. A comparison, a loser, a fallen face, and a responsibility: do well, because sin “desires you.”

At the start of grade seven Rhonda had…bloomed; I had not. I was a good target. Every day while walking the halls, I would be loudly accosted by Rhonda. “Oh Jim, you’re such a man! I want you so much…” I was the perfect victim. Too shy to play along or to fight back, I was mortified and it showed. I assume that’s why it was so funny for everyone.

One day as “the Rhonda and Jim show” was parading toward geography class, I gave her my best hate stare, and she said “Jim, do you hate me?” I told her the truth. Another day in exasperation I blindly reached out and shoved her away with both hands. Both my hands caught her in the chest, and Rhonda shrieked! Twenty kids must have seen me do it. Simultaneous thoughts raced through my head: “So that’s what they feel like” and “come on floor, swallow me now.” Later in class, the guy sitting next to me said “Man, you turned green!”

How the Rhonda and Jim show never got old for her, I’ll never know. But the daily humiliation changed everything for me that year. A comparison, a loser, a fallen face. And…a responsibility? What—report that I’m being bullied by a girl? Not in 1970! I assume I should have done some combination of confrontation and forgiveness. But sin—hate—desired me, and it ruled.

I think person-to-person sins are just “variations on a theme by Cain.” All sins against neighbor, brother or sister bleed out of the archetype: killing. Hate is murder in the heart. I also performed kind of a killing on myself by internalizing my role: the class wuss.

Thankfully, the Rhonda and Jim show did not do a second season in grade eight. I guess she finally grew bored with me. My hatred slowly evaporated; I sort of forgave her. I like how I was shaped by my year of torment. I feel deeply for people and I try to give esteem.

In grade twelve, Rhonda and I found ourselves taking a class in which we often had to work together. We acted like grade seven never happened. That was dumb – I wish I would have told her how miserable she had made me. I wish I would have apologized for my expression of hatred. I wish I would have said “remember that time I gave you that two-handed shove?”

But I didn’t.