Jim's Primeval Journey: Hiding

I’m going to tell you about my early experience of trying to hide from God. Tricky—dumb—given realities like omnipresence and omniscience. Our first parents tried hiding after their sin, when they suddenly realized they were naked (Genesis 3). They had been naked without shame until that first sin. Sin brings shame and shame brings fear, and fear brings stupid things like trying to hide from God.

There was a day in grade 10 that the Lord really laid a heavy on me. A bunch of us were attending the biggest Christian show in America – the Bill Gothard seminar had come to town. Evening #2 of the week-long event was on the topic “gaining a clear conscience.” Bill talked about a bunch of ways that a conscience can become wracked with guilt, and then he shared what the Bible teaches about asking others for forgiveness.

Here is the Holy Spirit’s message of conviction that came to me that night: “You have sinned against your brother and your mom, and I want you to ask them for forgiveness.”

It was indeed a “heavy” for me. I was remembering typical kid stuff, but sinful nonetheless. When we were little, I used my big brother status to tease Bob mercilessly. Now suddenly the tormentor was tormented with guilt over it. And toward Mom, I just realized how often I had been an irritation by being lazy…irresponsible…that kind of stuff.

Pride and fear are inseparable. My pride made me afraid to say the words of humility that Bill Gothard taught us (“I was wrong when I did __________. Will you forgive me?”) Wow.

In the years since that battle with pride, fear, and guilt, I have analyzed it from every angle. I’m aware that I have a sensitive conscience. I’m a people-pleaser, so when I hurt someone, I’m tortured over it. I also think that the spiritual battle started with healthy, constructive conviction of the Holy Spirit, but when I resisted, it became morbid, pathological guilt from Satan. But above all, I was responding to this conviction/guilt mix by using the (literally) oldest trick in the world: like Adam and Eve, I was trying to hide from God. God was asking, and I was refusing.

I refused for 4 years.

The day came when I dealt with it. Two days, actually. One day I just started saying to Bob what I needed to say. Only a couple sentences were needed to bring up the issue, acknowledge my guilt, and ask for forgiveness. He said a gracious—stunned—“yeah I forgive you.” And a week or so later, before heading off for my job at Sears, I did the same with Mom. She said “Of course I forgive you.” (She said some more, too.)

After talking to Mom, I was free. I really felt free. It was a sweet bus ride to work. That evening at Sears, I learned that Elvis had died that day. So now every August 16, when the world remembers Elvis’ death, I remember the day my pride died, and I stopped hiding from God.